All of my heart?

“I'm giving You my heart and all that is within

I lay it all down for the sake of You my King

I'm giving You my dreams I'm laying down my rights

I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life”

It was a typical warm summer day with the sun shining brightly and AC blasting, I was driving back home from running errands. I was alone in the car and had the radio blaring, singing loudly in my soundproof car. I wasn’t really paying attention to the songs, they were all ones I knew. The next song began to play “ I’m Giving you my heart and all that is within” I had heard it many times between the radio and singing it at church. I would often raise my hands in worship and meant it.

I had been praying for quite some time for the Lord to remove my insecurities. I desperately wanted to truly be confident in who I was in Christ, who he created me to be, and confident in his love for me. I hated that I was so concerned about what others thought, that I would make choices based on whether I thought they would make me “righteous” or make me look like a good Christian. I hated that I was a “parrot” and just copied how my friends would talk and act. As hard as I tried I couldn’t do it myself. And at this moment, while I was driving home, was the moment the Holy Spirit would grab hold of me. As the words began to play and I started singing them again, it hit me. Uncontrollable tears streamed down my face, and I broke down and sobbed. I had to pull over because the emotions that were taking place overwhelmed me.

It was an immediate knowledge of what “giving you my heart and all that is within” meant. He showed me my dirty, ugly, broken, and disgusting heart. The realization of what He saw, the truth of what was inside, the dirt that was ground in there. Nothing was hidden from him, but there was some part of me that didn’t want to reveal my real heart and struggles. And there was part of me that didn’t realize how dirty and gross my heart really was. And I heard him say “ I want this, all of this”.

I couldn’t understand why he would want that. I asked him why, why do you want this. It is so gross and he said, “Because this is what I died for” It was then that I realized that he loved me because he created me, That he loved me in spite of myself, that he called me his own. I realized that I don’t deserve his love and I can’t do anything to earn his love, I can’t be good enough, or righteous enough, I can’t say the right things or do the right things to make him love me because he already did. While we were yet sinners Christ died for us. For me. It was then that I truly understood Grace, and that I truly understood who I was in Christ.

I was in the presence of the almighty God who has no sin, and He wanted my whole heart, He wanted it because he loves me so much that he wanted to fill it with Him, to clean it, to repair it. The Lord had already done amazing work in my marriage and my life. So many places of my life had been changed and healed, and yet He was calling me to expose all of my heart and to stand naked before him.

My ugly, dirty, broken, and disgusting didn’t repel Christ. It didn’t drive him away, it didn’t cause him to hate me or see me less. But he did want me to give it to him and he wanted to remove the gross. To have a truly repentant heart. He wanted me to live the life that he had for me in full confidence of His love for me, and who I am in him.

He wanted me to surrender all. Leave nothing closed off to him. He was calling me to leave fear behind, and fully trust his plan for me.

Proverbs 3:56 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

Do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take.

I had learned trust in the super hard, but something about giving him the entirety of my heart scared me. This was the moment that I was truly set free of my insecurities.

It was at this moment that I not only knew what I had to do but was at complete peace letting him in.

Giving up my dreams and desires, letting him access my gross heart, and fully trusting God that what he had for me was far better than I could imagine, was hard, to say the least. But I wanted it. I wanted whatever he had for me because at that moment I knew that whatever he had would be the most amazing thing. I learned that yielding to him and giving up myself to him is hard because I only have human knowledge, and at the same time it is peace because I know that He is in control. I have never been the same since that day. In the most amazing way.

I can’t say that I have mastered surrender. But I can say that when I remember the outcome when I do surrender, I am content and at peace. When I finally choose to fully trust Him with all my heart, I know that He will indeed show me which path to take, He will indeed transform me, heal me, renew me, and fill me.